How do you deal with the demons in your head?

7.5 weeks, more or less, and counting. The more or less part is significant, because I have had it go both ways. More, and less. Aspen was 1 week more, Baby J was 3 weeks less, Madi was 5 weeks less. T was 5 days less, on purpose. This time around: consistently measuring 2 weeks ahead of my Estimated Due Date. Not wanting the baby to come too early, but wondering if my EDD is off a bit?

Current Symptoms: LOTS of acid reflux all day(finally had to start taking medicine daily for it, something I hate doing when pregnant), charlie horse cramps in my legs, lots of stretch marks & pain from them (boo), ALWAYS pain in the hips & pelvis, often tired, can't get up from a chair or in & out of the car without straining myself, heart palpitations, frequently short of breath, stitch-in-my-side pain on both sides of my stomach, body temp. about 15 degrees higher than usual with HOT hands and feet ... you know, the usual. I think my stomach looks like I have a basket ball stuffed up my shirt, I'm poking straight out much more than in the past. The good thing about it? Very little sciatic pain. I'm carrying this baby lower, and out farther. The bad thing? NOTHING fits, and my belly is really quite heavy. I lose my balance easily.

So anyways, It's at about this time that the demons in my head start kicking it up a notch.

What happens if I have another Special Needs child? My pattern so far is every-other-one. Would I be capable of handling another one? Physically as well as mentally? The deamons say No, of course. That I already have a full plate there. So do the looks I get from people who look at me, with an 8 year old and pushing 2 toddlers around in a stroller that I can barely manage with such a huge belly protruding out in front of me. Yes, I get the Twins question. Fortunately, no one has made any really rude comments yet, but I do get The Look. In all honesty, most people are very kind about it and I am actually really glad I live in Utah County- I think people here are much more understanding and accepting. It is when we venture outside that I get scrutinized so much more.

So, the question always lurks in the back of my head. Will this baby have complications? Will he have a disability that we will have to learn how to work with? If so, then of course we will do our best to figure things out. It all weighs on my mind, though. I've been going to see a High-Risk OB Doctor, who feels confident that things are going well. But it seems funny to me that he seems somewhat surprised at every single appointment that I am still measuring big. Since I have been all along. In the past, measuring big meant a problem, though. And when I mentioned to him that I wanted to try for a more natural delivery without having to be induced, he told me that although that was the ideal scenario, I needed to consider my track record too. Okay, it was a good point.

But the demons still remain there, whispering in my ear things I don't want to hear.

I am nervous, but as I think about it, not so much about the thought of having another one of those little angels come to our family. Mostly about it being one that can't stay with us in this life. I have never gone through a more agonizingly difficult trial that having to bury my baby boy that first time around. The trauma of that never has and never will fully leave me, and I have carried the baggage of it through each pregnancy I've had that has made it this far. Each time I get to this point, I start having those scared feelings all over again. Through my personal struggle to over come that first experience, Heavenly Father blessed me with my Aspen, and then with my second angel baby Madi, only this time she was allowed to stay with us. Sometimes I can't help but think that the reason why she doesn't yet speak is because she knows things that she is not allowed to say to me yet. Things about my Baby J, and the life that he is now a part of and that she is so close to still because of her perfectly innocent state. There are a couple of experiences that I have had with her that are very special. At one point in my pregnancy with her, I had a distinct feeling about her. Thinking that maybe there was a chance she would be born with a disability, I got down on my knees and prayed to Heavenly Father, saying that I would work with whatever came my way, just as long as my baby girl could stay here, and would love me, and know me as her Mother. If any of you have seen my Madi with me, there is absolutely no doubt that she knows me as her Mother, and that she loves me immensely. She doesn't always show emotion, or connect with people. But she KNOWS me, and she absolutely loves me, and that means more to me than anything. After one of my miscarriages before this current pregnancy, I was sitting in my rocking chair, feeling really discouraged and just really sad. Madi came up to me, crawled into my lap and curled up, laying her head in the crook of my arm, just like a newborn. She became quite still, and just lay there, playing with her fingers and looking up at me. Right into my eyes. She let me hold her like that for quite a long time, long enough to heal my heart a bit and let me know that she was there for me. That day, she comforted me and reminded me that Heavenly Father really is aware of what I am going through.

So, in answer to the pricks that I get from the demons in my head, Yes- I am nervous. Yes it would be hard to have another child with Special Needs. But those babies are so sacred, so in tune with things that we don't remember. They are a constant reminder of Heavenly Father's tender mercies and love. Jim and I are the ones that, for whatever reason, were chosen to bring them into this world. And, on top of that, we've been blessed with two very special Typical children as well. Both of them are sweet, kind, and compassionate towards their little sister and are so much fun to have. And I know that my children have come to our family in the exact order that they were supposed to. I absolutely love being their Mom. So, I can only wait anxiously to see what role this new little boy is going to fill in our family. I do feel like he has a special role to play, just as the other ones do. And that whatever comes my way, I will not face it by myself because Heavenly Father is aware of me.

I can't say how much I love this picture!

It's so rare that we get a good smile on camera.

It just makes me want to squeeze her.